Nintendo Dreams – Bionicle Heroes DS

Learning to jump, I feel like a baby deer learning to walk. What’s a baby deer called? Venison.

The enemy robots roll up in ball form. So far I have been unable to emulate this maneuver. They also come at me incredibly quickly, which would be menacing if they weren’t so easy to destroy. The next enemy I meet is a humanoid like me. I shoot him, (which is probably the one simple action a robot performs.) And he dies.

I’m not even sure that these robots are alive. But I am, so I treat them as such. And yet I kill them, go figure. It is the nature of the game. They are very eager to kill me so I consider it self defence. A few more advance on me, but I stand well back and shoot them while they are balls.

I hear a strange noise. Not exactly a buzzing. It sounds like car radio static doing an impersonation of  a buzzing bee. It’s not in my ear and I’m not sure if it’s coming from above, though you’d expect as much. The field and sky are filled with this noise and it has no centre. Finally, I find the culprit – a robot locust with guns. Well I assume it has guns because all of the other robots do.

Except it isn’t actually shooting at me yet. I very slowly aim at it, because that involves looking up. Because I take so long, it shoots first. But when I blam my guns, I kill it quickly.

There are two others, so I repeat the tedious process and arise the victor. Suddenly, I begin to shake violently. Again. And again. I’m being shot at, but I can’t see the perpetrator of this heinous crime. I use my radar and gradually turn around to view my enemy. It’s a green spider-crab thing. I’m concerned about my health, because turning around has taken a long time and the spider-crab thing is a fast shooter. But it dies just like the rest.

The enemy squads seem inexhaustible. As soon as I finish killing the next batch, new balls roll up. But less than a second after they transform into humanoid form, they fall to pieces because I’ve been shooting at them since they appeared. It’s only the high and low robots that seem to be giving me trouble.

Looking up and down is unfortunately the only complex challenge in this entire experience. Whenever a robot falls to pieces, it drops a number of cogs. Collecting the cogs recharges my health. Apparently cogs heal robot wounds.

I find myself in a room alot like all of the other rooms, fighting enemies that look alot like all of the other enemies. Enduring a process of slowly aiming and quickly killing which is becoming all too familiar. Only somebody shoots me and it’s all black again.

I do remember dying. Neglecting to keep an eye on my health report and pick up cogs to compensate probably made an early death inevitable. But because I’m a robot, it didn’t hurt. Come to think of it, I haven’t felt physical pain since this journey began. I guess I could say that a robot’s death lacks gore.

It isn’t very interesting, either. So I won’t go on about it.