For ranking these movies so highly, a few people may hate me, lose respect for me, or call me an idiot. I don’t care. In the interest of fairness and consistency, I will rank as I see fit. These movies are trash, I accept that, but something I knew when I first saw Twilight, it’s fun to watch.
It’s like chocolate bars. They are far from gourmet food and they’re bad for you, especially if you’ve got diabetes. But I still like them. Taken purely as tasty trash, like pulp paperbacks, Twilight contains an interesting teenaged love story and an attractive heroine to lust for.
If you’ve never seen Twilight, because it’s teen romance and only girls and ‘effeminate’ guys watch that shit, then you are in for a treat. I’m about to discuss it, at length – the story, subject, themes, as well as strengths and weaknesses of the film.
When Bella (Kristen Stewart) first speaks, the initial thought is cheese, please (despite her undulating voice.) Death at the beginning is a tired technique, King did it best. However, her words are more complicated than simply revealing that she will die – as we soon discover.
Death and love introduced in the first minute – and the tone is set. This is a romance, folks. A romance from a child’s point of view. Trash by any other name, would smell as sweet. I say again, chocolate.
The hunt ends as the flash-forward ends – leaving us with a beautifully handwritten narration from a school-girl’s private journal and the margins of her Science textbook. She’s telling the story of her life.
Believe for a second that this is a current stream of her conscious thought – revealing her private feelings, a contrast to the fact that Edward will experience frustration because he can’t read her mind. But you would be wrong.
It’s not her current conscious thoughts, the notes and narrative of the girl Bella will become – we are witnessing the past, a story from her journal about the girl she was. The lonely pre-Edward self-conscious snow Queen. A beauty Queen without the cruelty, false nobility and pompous facade.
Anti-plastic, ignorant of punk, white white white American lost girl in happy land. And she’s still miserable. One of the nice things about this film is the fantasy of an American high school which isn’t run by fake, plastic, corporate greed in small skirts and chunky football jerseys.
One of the universal truths about high school is that teenagers, when threatened, will band together. The threat is fear, because high school is a scary place. So you find familiar hearts and cliques form – you hope that your crew are loyal and real and deeper than merely liking the same bands. And violently detesting the same enemies – pop music or sports, for example. You hope that your clique is more of a family, though the bond is one of circumstance and necessity.
Bella finds a clique-free school where nerds, punks, goths and pretty people all want to be her friend. Her instinct is to hide, because high school is scary. Because people are never that nice.
Maybe she is suspicious. Eventually she accepts their friendship, as long as it doesn’t impinge on her space to devote to longing for Edward and biting her lip, holding her breath, awaiting her sexual awakening. Or maybe she’s just shy.
What about the vampires and werewolves? Dude, it’s a teen romance, it’s not about the supernatural – that’s just window dressing. It’s about high school and sex. And the fear of both.
The town of Forks is a character all of its own. Mutual respect among students is sadly lacking in our schools, which often builds consecutive situations of bullying, hazing, judging, cruelty, and nightmare hierarchies.
Somehow Forks High School does without all that, and fills the vacuum with Bella. Did the vampires eat all the assholes at that school?
Her poor father, Charlie (Billy Burke) is the guy I like in the movie. He’s in a tough situation. Never learned how to deal with her, he’s got a daughter and he doesn’t know how to talk to her. Not much of a talker. Not much to say.
Jessica (Anna Kendrick) is sweet to Bella. Jessica is a cute but dim little pigeon who seems unaware of her sex appeal. Her neurotic temperament, innocent ignorance and amped up concern for other people and for the high school version of doom scenarios, make her somehow even cuter.
Eddie (Robert Pattinson) the ‘so obviously a vampire’, his reaction to a flesh meeting with Bella provides the appearance of common teenaged fears – body odour, humiliation, cooties, etc. It’s funny.
Creates the perfect conflict to set up their romance journey. Bella struggles with Edward’s unusual resistance to her charms. And mood swings.
That being said, the story would not be complete without some slick supernatural hunting. There is humour to alleviate some of the sexual tension. Atmospheric music as she discovers what loverboy is. Fear and sex together mingle under her tongue, as she gasps between syllables.
It’s like a long drawn out summer vacation romance – but in Forks, a small bush town where it always rains and they still have to go to school.
“This is why we don’t show ourselves in the sunlight!”
Because we sparkle!
“I’m designed to kill.”
I don’t care… I trust you.
Isn’t that what we all look for in a woman, unconditional acceptance? (That and a laundry list of attractive qualities.)
And as if in a horror film, it all builds towards the climactic fight with the monster.
Twilight is a polished bar of chocolate with tobacco. You can’t get enough. It’s somewhat bitter, sweet little rubbish. But it’s not Cadbury’s.
3 stars
the joy of eating and the folly of thinking 